We all know that we live in a me oriented society.  I want.  I have.  I am.  I was.  I will.  It’s always about ourselves.  I am always my ulterior motive.  This has been heavy on my soul lately.  Not just my heart, but it seems to be woven into the fiber of my being.  And not in a comfortable and cozy way.  In a very unwelcome manner.  

My life was easier before this realization interrupted the order of things.   Because you know the cycle of realization, don’t you?  First this thought hits you.  Then you think more and more about the thought.  That’s when you start to experience the thought, and it is no longer a thought but it is reality.  Throughout the next days, you see little things that remind you of the thought (that is no longer a thought but an action), which used to seem insignificant, but it’s different now.  It’s real.  It becomes much more tragic of an event.  (Here comes the worst part)  It’s decision time.  The thought that is longer a thought but an action performed by others and noticed by you….now becomes a change.  One of two things.  You have a decision to make.  You can grab the realization you made by the neck and shove it deep within you and let it rot and turn into bitterness and then throw it at people and situations who never deserved it.  OR.  You can take that very realization that could destroy you and embrace it.  Love it.  Cuddle with it if you want.  Decide that it’s not worth getting upset about…it’s worth putting it in your favorite purse and carrying it with you.  Carrying it with you to remind you what it is you are trying to change.  To show you where a difference can be made.

There is the realization process.  So what the heck is all this for?

This realization of how selfish I am has challenged me.  To an extent that I am uncomfortable with.  It’s as if I am slowly being pushed toward the edge of a cliff, and as the view gets more and more beautiful I fall.  I fall fast and hard only to realize one thing…. I can fly.

Because no realization is too much.  No matter how deeply rooted it may be within me and within the society that suffocates me.  I will be the change that I long to see in the world.  I’m not trying to change the world.  Just myself.  And maybe that’s enough…maybe the change I make in myself will spark a change within another…and another..and another.

So I can allow my realization consume me in one of two ways.  I can let it take over my heart and life and allow those things to slowly harden.  Or I can allow it to fuel me to be better.  

As I wrote this stream of consciousness…I feel lighter.  And a little less burdened.  I feel a change at work…